


A Clean Slate

by White_Winter



Series: Warriors : One-shots [9]
Category: Warriors - Erin Hunter
Genre: F/M, Leafpool can't disobey her parents and that's a good thing, Leafpool likes to bottle everything up, Poor Hollyleaf's going through a lot :(, Squirrelflight is a good sister!
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-13
Updated: 2020-12-13
Packaged: 2021-03-10 19:27:21
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,423
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28052406
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/White_Winter/pseuds/White_Winter
Summary: “Eat these..” Hollyleaf whispered, her voice soft but dangerous, hollow but haunted, all at the same time. I couldn’t believe my eyes right now, as I surveyed the deathberries.“Eat these, or I will make you.” She repeated, and I glanced up sadly. She was practically shaking, an uncontrollable sort of anger coursing through her veins.I didn’t even have to ask-I could tell. It’s a mother’s instinct.-----------------------------------------------------------Leafpool POV throughout the one-shot, as she explores her life, and where it all went wrong.
Relationships: Brambleclaw/Squirrelflight (Warriors), Firestar/Sandstorm (Warriors), Slight Leafpool/Crowfeather (Warriors)
Series: Warriors : One-shots [9]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1981829
Comments: 6
Kudos: 10





	A Clean Slate

I knew from the moment my 3 kits, my  _ precious  _ 3 kits were born, that everything wasn’t black and white. Squirrelflight may have chosen to lie for me, to take care of my children for me, and keep my secret, but that doesn’t mean that everything will be perfect. I had to learn that the hard way. 

Being a medicine cat was my calling, and nothing gave me the satisfaction, the happiness, that healing did. 

I was the leader and the best hunter of the clan’s daughter, Firestar and Sandstorm’s daughter. A lot was expected of me, and when I chose the path of a healer, I was aware that I met those expectations. It wasn’t hard after all. I had the talent, the skill, and I had the determination. What more could a cat want?

People viewed me as the perfect medicine cat, and when I found the moonpool, it only escalated the respect for me. 

I  _ was _ a clean slate.

And then Crowfeather looked at me with those beautiful cerulean eyes, and I couldn’t look away. 

Every single glance he sent me, every single word he uttered to me, was a pawful of dirt thrown on my clean slate. It adds up fast. 

And so I had 3 kits. 

Hollykit, because I owed my dear sister that much. She was lying to everyone she cared about for me, and if she will be the one raising my children, she has a right to name at least one of them. Besides, when Hollykit opened her eyes, they were green. 

_ Holly  _ green. It suited rather well. 

Lionkit. He had thick golden fur, and had the loudest voice of the 3. He was never supposed to be born in this world, but I knew that everyone would grow to respect him, to look up to him. Lionkit was a fitting name, and I never regretted that decision. 

Jaykit. I knew from the moment I saw his dark gray fur, so much like Crowfeather’s, that I can’t just ignore it. Crowfeather was a good cat, despite his reputation, and he had given up as much as I had for these children. 

Jay and Crow. I always had adored both of those birds.

As I watched them grow, refer to Squirrelflight as their  _ darling  _ mother, and Brambleclaw as their  _ dear  _ father, I couldn’t squash the jealousy that rose up in me. I couldn’t help but envision me and Crowfeather in those positions. 

But no, Crowfeather would be the grumpy warrior in Windclan, and I would just be too-kind aunt. I still cared for them, and didn’t bother hiding my affections for them. 

Everyone else didn’t think much of it. Me and Squirrelflight were always close as sisters, so it only made sense that I was close to  _ her  _ kits. 

Lionblaze became a very impressive fighter, Jayfeather a wonderful medicine cat, and Hollyleaf the most advanced thinker. I was so proud, I don’t even have words for it. Even when they became warriors, it didn't stop my affections, and I didn’t hold back. 

Other cats looked on in amusement, but I knew Lionblaze, Hollyleaf and Jayfeather suspected something. 

I didn’t care, because I thought that they would never be able to figure the truth out. It was rather far-fetched to come to the conclusion that  _ I  _ was their mother. 

The Jayfeather comes to me, and tells me quite bluntly that he knows the truth. 

I was unhappy and extremely scared, but a small part of me felt thrilled that he knew the truth, and that my affections could be returned. As usual, I was wrong. 

Jayfeather used to adore me as his mentor, and look up to me, but now all the respect he held for me completely disappeared. Lionblaze would just ignore me, and when Hollyleaf found out, a fury burned in her jade eyes that I had never seen before. She was always logical, practical, and kept her cool, but even this was too much for her. I was glad no other cat knew though, otherwise I would lose my position as a medicine cat too. Then I really would have nothing left. 

I used to be a clean, solid slate, but now it was speckled with dirt, cracks littering the edges. It was fine...one can’t have everything. At least that’s what I told myself, before I realized that I wasn’t even allowed to have  _ something.  _

Then when Hollyleaf revealed the truth that one night, I couldn’t bother denying it. 

When Crowfeather’s disbelieving and betrayed eyes burned into my pelt, I kept my head low.

When the entire clearing fell silent, expectant glances on me, I kept my head low. 

When Brambleclaw left Squirrelflight because she lied to protect my secret, I kept my head low.

I refused to let anyone see my amber eyes, and the flood of emotions in them. But when my own parents demanded answers, I couldn’t just ignore them. 

So I took a deep breath, shoved my emotions and thoughts into a hole, and looked up, amber eyes now impassive. 

I calmly explained everything, only a few cracks slipping through my voice. I was proud. But when everything bubbled up again, and reality decided to come through and slap me in the face, I knew I was going to break. 

So I carefully excused myself, and padded back to Thunderclan territory, barely holding myself together. 

I looked over at the glimmering lake, the bright stars reflected in them.

_ How could the stars shine at a time like this?  _ I thought about drowning myself, and how easy everything would be then, but no. Firestar and Sandstorm’s name would be even more ruined, and Squirrelflight just lost her mate. She can’t lose her sister too, despite how terrible of one I am. 

So I bottled everything up and kept on walking, just one step after another. 

I would go back to my herbs, and their aromatic scent would comfort me. When everything falls apart, I knew my herbs would always be there. Just like how they are at this very moment. 

As I slipped into the medicine den, I saw Hollyleaf’s black fur, and everything spilled out. Even a hole can’t be endless. 

‘I’m sorry, I’m so sorry Hollyleaf! It was all a mistake-not you, j-just this entire situation. I’m sorry.” I sobbed out, and when I finally looked up, my daughter’s dark green eyes hadn’t gained any sympathy nor lost any rage. 

She carefully slipped 3 deathberries out, and I looked up with horror at her. 

_ Is she really…?  _

“Eat these..” Hollyleaf whispered, her voice soft but dangerous, hollow but haunted, all at the same time. I couldn’t believe my eyes right now. I knew she was going through a lot of pain, but so was I.  _ Is it really that bad for her…? _

“Eat these, or I will  _ make  _ you.” She repeated, and I glanced up sadly. She was practically shaking, an uncontrollable sort of anger coursing through her veins. 

I didn’t even have to ask-I could tell. It’s a mother’s instinct. 

“I will make you suffer, just as much as I suffered because of your mistakes.” She whispered, a sob trying to break through. I could easily see where she was coming from, but when I stared with  _ longing  _ at those deathberries, I realized that eating those won’t be the right answer. 

“I lost my position as a medicine cat, my kits, my mate, my reputation and my respect. What do you think would be easier, living or dying?” I asked softly, pain evident in my voice.

I watched as the realization dawned on Hollyleaf, and she didn’t answer. I thought the medicine den would comfort me, but it was getting too stuffy in here. 

I heaved an exhausted sigh, and slipped past Hollyleaf, while she merely stood by and watched me go. 

I silently walked through the dark forest, owls hooting, crickets chirping and their sounds echoing through the dark blue sky. 

The moon and stars shown down on me, as bright as ever, if not brighter. It felt like they were mocking me, but frankly speaking, they had valid reasons behind it. 

I came here, to this point, because of my own actions, my own mistakes, and my own failures. 

And as I let it all out and sobbed near the lakeside, I couldn’t help but think -

I had a clean, solid slate. Then it was speckled with dirt, cracks littering the edges. But now? Now it was all black, completely shattered. Broken. Just like me. 

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading!   
> I'm open to suggestions, so if you have any, you can put them down in the comments! 
> 
> Leafpool: Be quiet, I'm trying to sob here!  
> Owl : *hoots*  
> Leafpool: Did you not hear me?  
> Owl: *doesn't hoot*  
> Leafpool: Ok fine, I'll repeat it again. BE. QUIET.  
> Owl: *hoots twice*  
> Leafpool *frustrated* : ajhdnesbakkde


End file.
